"I'm afraid to know what he'll say.."
This is what I told my friends when we had dinner yesterday. One friend told me, "dapat magusap kayo.." Another one said, "Eh pano nga. Di naman sya nirereplyan. Ayaw sya kausapin." Then came a sudden thought: do I really want to know the truth? Do I really want to hear what he'll say?
Will he even try to talk to me?
I don't know. But if he does, I'm afraid what I'll just hear will cause more pain than ever. I'm afraid he will throw words like stones that will shatter my heart into pieces once again.
For years I've been trying to put the pieces back together. One by one. And yet everytime I hear his name, one piece falls apart. Everytime they make me say his name, more pieces fall. What if he will be the one to say something? What will become of my heart after that?
If you all knew what happened, I'm sure you'll say that I'm the stupidest girl in the world. I am. And maybe, that's what I'll ever be. But I'm trying really, really hard to let go. I had no choice. It's the only way. Only, I've been trying for years now. You can actually say right away what progress I'm making. Or if there's hardly any progress at all.
But I do hope and pray that one day, I'll be able to move on and let go. It might take more years or even forever. I don't know. But I really want to get this over with.
Because he already did.
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