What am I thinking while you're away? (Letter #1)

Do you want to know what I'm thinking while you're away?

The question Savannah asked John. The same question I've been wanting to ask you. But I can't. Not that I don't want to. But fate conspired against us. And so that question just remained hanging in the air...

What am I thinking while you're away?

There's a lot, actually. Memories that won't just leave. Things that I should have and I shouldn't have done. But one thing's similar with each and every memory that keeps on coming back - YOU.

Remember that first day when you visited your friends at the office where I work? That very special day when we first met? When you approached me and gave me a doughnut and a cup of iced tea? When I didn't quite noticed you except for the fact that you were nice to me that day even if you didn't know me?

Remember when you first asked me out on a date and I said no? Then you were insistent that we go out that I said yes to you but on a different day?

Remember when we had our first date together? You were silent that night. And so was I. Not that I didn't want to talk to you. It's just that I was not used to going out on a date. Especially since it was my first time to go out with someone. I just looked at my lemonade while you tried to talk. It wasn't much of a conversation but the feeling was there.

Remember when I had my first Christmas with you? At the office where I first met you? You gave me a chocolate-coated apple and a lot of chocolates? You walked me to the mall to wait for a taxi. You said the magic word that night. I will never forget that.

Remember that day when you visited me at the office? It was just an ordinary day for other people at the place but it was very special for me. You gave me my favorite chocolate - Toblerone. You wrote the magic word in the wrappings. Even if I was busy checking papers, you just sit there and watched me work. I felt your presence then.

YOU WERE THERE. FOR ME.

But I wasn't able to see that when I said goodbye. Not until months after I said it.

And I can't and don't eat chocolates anymore, by the way.

Remember when we had our dinner at Chowking? You walked me to the place where I would ride the jeep going home. You touched the vines in a tree from a school we were passing by, as if you wanted to say or do something but couldn't make yourself to say or do it. Yeah, I noticed that one. I was watching you. Then we reached the street and just said goodbye. What if I told you what I was feeling then? What if I did what I told you then that I should have done before we said goodbye? Will everything change too?

Remember when you said I should look at that one star and in return, you would look at it too and we'll be looking at the same star? That it would somehow make us feel that we're together? I've been looking at that star for years now.

I remember these things. I always do. These things that I missed out when I was trying to decide whether to say goodbye or not. I wasn't able to see it then. And while you're away, I always think of them. Somehow, it makes me feel that you're still here. With me. Even if I shouldn't be doing it, I can't help it. You made me feel special. Secured. Loved. And somehow these memories makes me feel those things that no one has able to make feel it again. The only connection I have with you. Those memories. That star.

Now, I have a question for you.

What are you thinking while I'm away?