Let It Go.

[I will not be discussing the song. However, the song inspired me to write this to reflect this Holy Week.]

Many of us have old habits. Old ways. Old means. Old characters and attitudes. And many of us know how to change; only, we decide not to. Or at least we believe that we can't.

Personally, I have always believed that we cannot change. People can't change. We can improve ourselves, but we cannot change.

Every Lenten Season, we are reminded of the Passion of Christ. We hear the story, we see it on TV and movies, we listen to the Seven Last Words. But we tend to forget about these things after the Lord has Risen. We tend to go back to our old ways after we make sacrifices for the sake of practicing the traditions in preparation for and during the Holy Week. We go back to doing what we always do and act like the Holy Week didn't pass. But, have we asked ourselves: when do I change for the better and for good? When do I learn what Holy Week has always taught me every year?

Probably you have noticed that at first I used the word "we". But in the questions, I used the word "I". When I used the "we", I wanted to say that everyone is like the way I perceived "us" to be based on my experiences and observations. I collectively described the people I know, I see, I observe, including myself. I collectively wanted to imply that each and everyone of us does one thing or another that does not constitute making our way to become better persons when the Holy Week ends. However, as I can only observe people, I cannot reflect for them nor think for them.

And so, I want to focus on myself. And maybe later on, someone who gets the opportunity to read this will also have a reflection. Where do I go after this? Who am I after this?

When I was a kid, every Holy Week I used to attend the "pabasa". That's the Filipino tradition of reading the Passion of Christ. And we do not just read them line by line. We sing them. I experienced going to my grandmother's house and sing it. And then, while growing up, I used to go to my grandparents house to have a vacation because: (1) it is holiday every Holy Week; and, (2) it is the summer vacation. I stopped going to pabasa since then. I just enjoyed spending time with my cousins and relatives. At that time, the Holy Week is more of a relaxation than reflection. When I reached college, every Holy Thursday my aunt and cousins would go to Landayan and pay our respects to Lolo Uweng (Sepulcher) as our Visita Iglesia (Church visiting) . But that's just that.

When I started working, Holy Week has been the week that I have always looked forward to. Not because it was the time that I get to reflect, but because it was the only time that I get to have a vacation for four days (especially in my line of work where I don't get vacations like students can). I always wanted to go somewhere, some place where I can relax and get my mind off things that constitutes work. Or just stay at home and do nothing. I would search for mall hours or I would immediately say yes to friends for a trip to spend the holidays. I have already forgotten what the Holy Week means and why was I having these so-called "vacations."

And then, at the end of the Holy Week, I was back to my old ways. Back to what I have always been doing. Not that I have always been a bad person. But I have sinned and continue to. I have not learned how to let go of my worst attitudes and habits. I have not learned, even until now, how to become a better person.

Again, I do not believe that a person can change. Because change constitutes something that has to be replaced. Like when you change your phone, you replace it with a new one. And I realized that for me to change my bad habits, I have to replace them with new ones. And I definitely wouldn't want to do that.

So, instead of changing, I want to let go of the bad ways that I used to do. And learn the good ones. One step at a time. The message of the Holy Week for me is to choose the path that Jesus has chosen. The path that will lead me to having the Eternal Life that He had when He rose again. The path where I know I will have to carry my own cross but I will do so with courage and determination to reach the end. The path where I am not afraid to cross for I know I am not alone. Jesus will be walking with me 'till the end of the line. And I shouldn't be reminded of that only when it is Holy Week. But I should remind myself of that every day of my life. It may not be easy and I am just a human. But I am a human who is capable of learning how to become a better person. Capable of letting go of the negativities in life and welcoming the positive ones. And in the end, I will rise just like how Jesus did. In the end, I will be in His side at the end of the path.

A letter to the twenty-two year-old ME.

I'm so used to reading letters like these: "A letter to myself," "A letter to the young me," "A letter to the teenage me." etc. And I am writing one myself this time. And believe me or not, for no reason at all.

So what makes me choose twenty-two?

If you're a Taylor Swift fan or someone who appreciates her music, you'll notice that she has already made songs for specific age groups. Like fifteen and twenty-two. Or more appropriately, 22 (based on how twenty-two was used as the title).

We're happy free confused and lonely in the best way

It's miserable and magical oh yeah

Tonight's the night when we forget about the heartbreaks, it's time..

And in that sense, 22 is the age of drastic changes in someone's life. Especially in our country where people who reaches 22 are suppose to have jobs, or in some cases, a family of their own. It is the time when people becomes more matured as they go out of their comfort zones and explore what's in store for them in the outside world. It is the time to make their own make-or-break choices. It is time to be on their own.


To 22-year-old me:

When you try to look back at your 21 years of existence, so much has happened. But not as much as what you will experience beyond those 21 years. Not as exciting, sad, confusing, amazing, or even terrifying as when you were 21 or younger. Not even close. And as they say, at your age, the only thing that is constant will be change. But don't worry, no one has a choice of skipping 22.

So you have to deal with it.

You will encounter different types of people. You will get hurt by them, be happy with them, learn from them. You will feel depressed at times or otherwise blissful and ecstatic. You will feel loved and hated; trusted and betrayed. You will gain friends and enemies alike. You will learn that not all people can be easy to please. And eventually, you will learn that you're not suppose to please all of them anyway. Just those who are worth it.

So choose your friends well.

You will be thinking not of yourself anymore, but of the people around you. Those who love you. Those who depend on you. If in the past you only consider what makes you happy before you decide on anything, this time it will not be the case as there are people who will be affected by your choices.  You will learn that these people will be affected not only because they depend on you, but because they care for you. And you, for them.

So decide well.

There will be times that you will be confused as to what to do in your life. You will seek for more exciting things. For more adventure. But life will disappoint you, big time. And because people depends on you and your choices, you will rather choose what's in front of you than what's in store for you outside of your box. You will be contented with what you have right now. Because what you have right now meets your current needs and the needs of the people you care for. So you settle for it. DON'T. Stop settling for anything less. You can still provide for the needs you have to meet and at the same time, dream big. You have so much in store for you. You just don't realize it as you are focused on realizing the dreams of those you love. You disregard your own dreams for theirs when the truth is, you can achieve both. You can reach for your dreams without compromising theirs.

So dream on.

You will experience heartbreaks of all kinds. From your family, friends, colleagues, and special someone. As I have said, pain and heartaches are inevitable. You will learn how to love deeply. You will learn how to care truthfully. And as you open yourself to the happiest feeling there is, you are also opening yourself to the worst that exists. One can't exist without the other. So if you choose to love, then you have to know that you are also allowing yourself to get hurt. But getting hurt is just a step from knowing how great love is. It's just a step from experiencing the best that love can offer.

So love and let yourself be loved.

You will realize that happiness never comes from other people; rather, it shall always come from inside you and be radiated to others. Your smile is contagious; therefore, you shall be a good example of a happy person that can always change the negativities of other people into optimistic ones. There will even be times when your smile is all you need to change a situation. Not that you can manipulate people. It means you can serve as an inspiration to them and help them see that life is beautiful. Your smiling eyes shall always be the manifestation of a life worth living. A life lived in peace and happiness.

So always smile and be happy.

You will be very indecisive when you need to decide on your own. You will be very sensitive about things that aren't important at all. And insensitive at those which are. You will start to become very dramatic as a result of the changes you are dealing with; with which you are not prepared for.

So you have to prepare yourself for more.

These are just some of the things you will come face-to-face with as you go beyond the age of 22. Pressured? Nah. Most of the people, if not all, who reaches your age deals with these, too. You are not alone. But just imagine those who lack the capacity to deal with these things because they don't have the means to do so. On the other hand, you do. You have all the means to deal with these things. You are blessed. And everyday, you should be thankful for that.

It is not easy to deal with so much changes, let alone extreme ones. But always remember, challenges only makes one stronger. Better. And these challenges exist because they are designed to make you the best person you can be.

And the best, you will be.

Just close your eyes...

Because if you don't, you'll be face-to-face with reality.
You won't even dare open your eyes.
Because if you do, you'll see your pillows, wet from tears.
You'll see the sky dark. Empty.
So you'll keep your eyes closed.
Dream of the world you want to see;
feel the emotions you want to feel.
You have control over everything that you see behind your closed eyes;
unlike when you open it, you'll see the truth.
The truth that always hurts.
So you keep your eyes closed;
choose a place where you've always wanted to be;
with the person you want to be with.
He will be the person you want him to be.
Unlike when you open your eyes, everything is different.
Exactly the opposite.
So you just close your eyes.
Behind it, you'll see things that will never happen in real life.
Things that only exist in your mind.
Things that make you happy.
Pain doesn't exist there.
You won't feel hollow.
So you keep your eyes closed.
Because whenever you do, you become happy.
Whenever you do, the reality that those things don't exist won't hit you, big time.
So I'll just close my eyes.
And keep a fool of myself.

Of Love, Kisses and Wallflowers. (Part1)

One Wallflower. Two Wallflowers. Three Wallflowers. Four.

Five Wallflowers. Six Wallflowers. Seven Wallflowers. Eight.

Nine Wallflowers. Ten.

And the story begins...

Let me tell you something about how I met my new favorite book and movie of all time through my ultimately favorite and one and only girl-crush actress of all time. (And I guess it'll gonna stay like that for a little while longer.) Don't expect me to include any part of the book nor of the movie here. I respect those who haven't seen or read the movie or book, respectively. And since I feel like writing a long story (for those who knows me, you can give an advice to those who don't. Haha!), you still have 5 seconds to decide whether to read it or not.

In 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Okay fine. So you've decided to read. Don't worry. I'll try my very best not to OVERWRITE. Goodluck! :)

I've been an Emma Watson die-hard fan. And if you know me, you'll know how I am as a die-hard fan. Well, that's actually the opposite of being a real die-hard fan. I am quiet as a fan. Seldom do I make moves to show how I am as a fan. But one thing is for sure: once a fan, I'll always be a fan. So, what does this have to do with Wallflowers and my all-time favorite book and movie? Scroll down...

So, as I was saying, I've been checking out Em's projects, movies, etc. And I found out she was casted as one of the characters in the movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Now you see the connection? Yeah, I know you were a bit lost at first. So do I.

Anyway. So. When I found out that she'll be playing some girl in a book-turned-into-a-movie movie, I searched for the book. And viola! I bought a copy for myself! Now let me tell you some reasons why I bought the book:

1. Because Em will be playing Sam (one of the main characters in the book);
2. Because it has a very, very, very interesting story; and,
3. Because Em will be playing Sam.

(Did I mention I was a die-hard fan?)

When I started reading the book, it instantly caught my attention. The style of writing was not new to me. A diary, a teenager with coming-of-age problems. But how he (Stephen Chbosky) created a general view of the story and yet was able to work on the details of each and every character in the book, it was very alien to me; the plot, the characters, their own stories. Seldom do I encounter such book; a story that relates to all people of different experiences and views in life. One reader cannot say he or she will not be able to relate to at least one part of the story or to a character. And I was amazed by how I was able to relate to it. It's a book that speaks of what the youth go through in their teenage lives; their feelings put into words; their actions and emotions read by many people. Understood by many people. Thus, I commend Stephen for writing such a book. And I hope he does more of its kind. 

So, that's how I met my ultimate favorite book of all time. I was so happy I came upon this book. It'll be one hell of a precious book among my collection.

Since I met my favorite book through Em, I also waited for the movie to come. The first screening day was Sept. 26, 2012. TODAY. Waiting for it was the longest marathon of my life. The last time I had this feeling, I was waiting for each and every Harry Potter movie to hit the cinemas. Which also stars Em. Told you, I'm never really that showy as a die-hard fan. Haha!

The wait was over. I was able to catch the Last Full Show (LFS) of Perks on its first screening day. I watched alone as I often do that (in fact, it becomes a habit; I'm afraid it'll cost me something dearly in the future) and whenever I do, I always choose Trinoma because Taters has my favorite sour-cream fries and sugar-free lemonade. :)

Just a piece of advice to movie-goers loners:

If you are to choose a seat, choose the one next to a seat along the aisle. Why? It gives you a chance to meet someone new who is to seat between you and the aisle which means that someone is definitely alone. I guess you know what I mean. As for me, I was able to seat next to a gay and a guy. I'm in between them. And they are loners like me! See? Haha! I was able to react to the movie with them reacting all the same (reacting by ourselves, I mean.)

Like I said, I won't give any spoiler about the movie. I don't want to give the anti-spoiler people a headache. Besides, all I can say about the movie is: I. AM. SPEECHLESS.

I know this blog might sound boring. But I have to end it like this. I was just telling you how I was AMAZED by the book and the movie. One thing though: expect tears, laughters, sadness; family love, true friendship, heartbreaks, true love, kisses, and more kisses. But expect more from it, too. Because it can give you more than what you expect from a typical coming-of-age movie. It was all worth the four hours of waiting for the LFS. IT WAS ALL SO WORTH IT!!!

So, if you want to know the things I should be writing here next, then WATCH IT!!!

I even think I'm gonna watch it over and over and over again!!! :)))

Which means I won't be writing anything until the movie has been seen by many. I'll be writing about it after a week or two. Maybe by that time, you're able to write your own version of your Wallflower experience.

I have to stop before I lose control of myself and tell the whole experience. Haha!

Sorry guys.

END OF THE STORY.

Mediocre Love

"We accept the Love we think we Deserve..."

I've been thinking about this quote for sometime now. I've first heard this in the trailer of The Perks of Being a Wallflower. And since I've just finished reading the book, I can't help but repeat this quote inside my head over and over again. There's something about this quote that makes me feel attached to it. Maybe because I don't understand it at first but feels like I've known its meaning a long time ago...

I never understood the quote at first. Not until I read the book. Now I can connect it to what Emma Watson (who plays Sam) said in the trailer, "Why do I and everyone that I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?" And then Logan (who plays Charlie) said, "Because we accept the love we think we deserve.." Is it so? Do we really accept the love we think is best for us? Do we really love somebody because we thought it was the best love we've ever have?

I've been thinking about how people choose the one they will love (if they have any choice at all. They say that you cannot choose love because love chooses you) and how they end up falling out of love. Or how they fall for someone else. When all hell breaks loose, how someone just say goodbye because he has fallen out of love or has fallen in love with somebody else. I've always wondered why people leave other people behind. And then, the one left behind feels like the love she lost was all that she ever had and will ever have.

I've been thinking about how one can say such thing to herself. I've been thinking how one can say it's all the love she needs and it's all that matters to her. I've been thinking how one can measure such love for it to be considered as "the one she deserves". How can someone tell it's the perfect love?

I have so many questions in my mind right now. But most of it stems from that particular quote. I still don't fully understand it until now.  Just a few things that I read from the book that somehow helps me understand it. But at least, I have my own interpretation of the quote that maybe a bit similar to what it really means. It's like having your own interpretation of a poem based on your experiences and understanding. And so this is how I understand the quote...

We love someone. We say it's the best love we will ever have. We think he's the One. And so we give all the love we can give. Because we think it's the love that is perfect for us. We think that that love is enough for us to breathe and live. Until such time that we see our future with them. And we would have our future with them. Until such time that we see that our future is getting blurry. But we still continue because we have to hold on to such love that we think is perfect. We are not aware that we deserve more than just that. We are not aware that this love is a mediocre one. That it is not yet the one we deserve. That since we have the ability to give so much love to someone, we deserve the best love in return. We are blinded by the fear that if we let go of this love we already have, we might not be able to find another one as good as this again. And then, we fear that we will be left alone. Sad. Emotionally unstable. But the thing is, we will not realize this at first. Only after they leave us and we realize we've had too much and we have decided to let it go that we will realize we deserve more. More than the love we lost.

We get love from other people besides the love we give to ourselves. We have family, friends, even acquaintances who become our friends afterwards. These people are always there for us. They are the ones who give love without asking anything in return. They know how to love us in a way that we would feel blessed and happy. We don't have to tell them to love us in their best way. They just do. And then there's also the love coming from one person who we really deserve. Sometimes, we don't see them. And so we let the opportunity of being loved by someone we deserve pass by. Sometimes, we haven't met them. And so we think that we already lost the best love we've ever had, not really aware that it is not yet the best love of all time.

And then there's also the problem of how we look at ourselves. How we see ourselves being loved by someone. Most of the time, we settle for less, thinking that once we felt love, it's all that matters. We fear of being picky over the love we choose because the truth is, we are not yet aware that we deserve more. We think it's already what we deserve because we don't look highly of ourselves. Not in a boastful way. But what I'm trying to say is, in our character and in our ability to give so much love, we always forget to ask ourselves, "do I really deserve the love I'm getting from this person?" What he does and say, how he does and say it, do we really believe there's nothing more than this? We forget to ask ourselves these questions until such time that these people we picked to love leave us. We become fully aware that we're tired of settling for such mediocre love. And then we would realize we deserve more. Maybe more love from another person or more love from our families and friends.

I hope everyone realizes that we deserve so much love. And that it is just around the corner. May it be from someone special waiting in line or from our families and friends. I hope that by the end of the day, we don't settle for anything less. Especially when it comes to choosing who to love. Or choosing who to love again. Because we don't deserve anything less than the love we could give. Only then that we can say we've chosen the love we think we deserve.

Stages of Moving On.

Papa Jack on moving on:

Stage 1: Pain.
Stage 2: Anger.
Stage 3: Bargaining.
Stage 4: Acceptance.

I tweeted this a couple of weeks ago. Me and my twin were in a taxi, listening to Papa Jack talk on the radio. I've been hearing Papa Jack whenever I ride a taxi in the middle of the night. The station (I don't know which station he is connected to but since I'm online, I asked help from my friend Google and viola! It's 90.7! How could I have missed that? Lol!) seem to be the common thing for taxi drivers who drive on the road on as late as 12am.

Okay. So much for the introduction. I'm so used to writing like an essayist that I always give so much time in writing introductions that I usually forget or misses the whole thing! Like this one. Haha!

So, what I'm trying to say is, I will explain further Papa Jack's Stages of Moving On based on my own interpretations. Basically, what he said focused more on someone being left by her or his loved one. What I will do is I will write the words Papa Jack suppose to have said regarding the stages (because I cannot remember the exact words he said). At sa puntong ito, magtatagalog ako para mas maintindihan ng madla (iyon ay kung may madla ngang makakabasa nito) at para rin naman hindi masyadong seryoso ang usapan. First time 'to pre! Lezzgo!

Stage One: Pain.

Sabi  ni Papa Jack: "Masakit sa umpisa. Lalo na kapag iniwan ka ng taong mahal mo."

Sabi ko: Totoo ito. Wala naman sigurong taong natuwa o nasiyahan na iniwan siya ng taong mahal niya. Syempre siya nga ang iniwan eh. Kung matutuwa siya na iniwan siya, bakit hindi na lang siya ang nang-iwan? Kuha mo? Normal lang na masaktan ka kung bigla kayong naghiwalay ng taong mahal mo. Minahal mo siya eh. Buong puso binigay mo sa kanya. Minahal mo siya ng higit sa sarili mo. At para sa'yo, wala nang iba pa. Siya lang. Kaya 'wag kang magtataka kung minsan ay nakasakay ka sa fx, naalala mo siya at biglang tumulo ang mga luha mula sa iyong mga mata. Magtaka ka lang kung pati ang katabi mo ay umiiyak. Ibang usapan na 'yon.

Stage Two: Anger.

Sabi ni Papa Jack: "Natural pagkatapos mong masaktan, magagalit ka kasi nasaktan ka niya."

Sabi ko: Malamang. Eh kung hindi ka makakaramdam ng galit, stuck-up ka na sa stage one. Pero may mga taong nananatili talaga sa stage one. Kaya lang kadalasan, nakakaramdam ka ng galit pagkatapos mong masaktan. Kasi nga, nasaktan ka. Hindi mo matanggap na nasaktan ka niya kahit binigay mo na lahat ng mayroon ka (o, 'wag magisip ng kung ano-ano. Wholesome itong blog ko). O kaya naman, hindi mo maintindihan kung saan ka nagkulang at bakit ka niya iniwan. Pero sa tingin ko, ang pinakamatinding dahilan kung bakit ka nasaktan ay dahil hindi mo matanggap sa sarili mo na ikaw ang iniwan at hindi ikaw ang nang-iwan. Tama ba? Ang mga tao, ma-pride chicken. Kadalasan, mas gusto nating mga tao (yes! tao ako!:p) na tayo ang nang-iiwan. Para naman hindi masabing tayo ang nagkulang o tayo ang talo. Mas gusto nating ipamukha sa madlang pipol na tayo ang nakipaghiwalay. Pero sa totoo lang? Kahit sino pa man ang nang-iwan o naiwan, parehas na talo. Kasi parehas kayong nawala sa isang relasyon. Depende na lang kung magpapaiwan kang talunan. Kaya nga may stage four eh. Pero dun muna tayo sa stage na parang divisoria.

Stage Three: Bargaining.

Sabi ni Papa Jack: "Dito, iniisip mo na babalik pa siya. Kahit alam mong maaaring hindi na."

Sabi ko: Oh di ba? Divisoria lang ang peg. Bargaining. Kasi naman, naimbento pa 'yang "what ifs" na 'yan. Kasi, iniisip mo na may pagasa pa. Binibigyan mo ang sarili mo ng "false hope". Akala mo naman babalik siya kapag nagmukmok ka sa isang sulok. Akala mo naman babalikan ka niya kung babantayan mo ang status niya sa facebook, kung sino katabi niya sa profile pic o sa cover photo niya. Ito ang tinatawag naming magkakaibigan na "monitoring system". At mas lalo na, akala mo, mahal ka pa niya, Sa madaling salita, umaasa ka pa. Ano akala mo sa story niyo? Walang Hanggan? Ayon kay Papa Jack, madalas sa stage na ito naiiwan ang isang tao. Hindi siya makapunta sa stage four dahil dito pa lang sa stage three, mahirap nang makalagpas. Oo, nasaktan ka. Nagalit ka. Pero dahil mahal mo pa rin siya, wala kang magawa kundi umasa. Tama ba? Hay nako mga iho at iha. Dumaan na ako d'yan. Para 'yang tsokolate at kape na bawal sa may hyperacidity. Ayaw mong tantanan kahit bawal basta Swiss Miss or Starbucks. Para 'yang pagtawid sa kalsadang may nakasulat na "Bawal tumawid. Nakamamatay." Ay! Ang maghintay talaga sa wala ay nakamamatay, mga iho at iha. Sa seryosong punto, hindi madaling makalimot. Hindi madaling mag-move on. Maaaring taon ang bibilangin para makalimot. Pero bakit mo siya kakalimutan? Imposible 'yon. Ang magandang gawin mo ay tanggapin na habang-buhay na siyang magiging parte ng ala-ala mo. Pero hanggang doon lang. Pagkatapos, stage four na.

Stage Four: Acceptance.

Sabi ni Papa Jack: "Tanggapin mo ang lahat ng taos sa puso."

Sabi ko:  Ito ang pinakagusto kong parte ng sinabi ni Papa Jack. Bakit? Kasi hindi lang niya sinabi kung paano tanggapin ang nangyari kung hindi pati ang kung paano harapin ang bukas ng wala siya. Mahirap makarating sa puntong ito. Pero HINDI IMPOSIBLE! Sabi ko nga, tanggapin mong hindi mo siya makakalimutan. Dahil unless may neutralizer ka katulad nina Agent J and K, hindi mo talaga makakalimutan ang lahat ng napagsamahan niyo (at naguumpisa na akong mag-english. Hirap magtagalog 'te!). Kung tutuusin nga, dapat gamitin mo ang nangyari para sa iyong kapakanan. Sigurado marami kang natutunan sa nangyari. At ang mga natutunan mo ang magiging gabay mo kapag nakakilala ka ulit ng ibang mamahalin. Sa puntong ito, mas magiging mapanuri ka. Pero 'wag naman 'yong tipong choosy ka. Baka naman "single forever" ang kahantungan mo. Sabi nga ni Papa Jack, lahat ng susunod mong gagawin, ang pagtanggap at pag-move on ay para sa iyo. Para sa'kin, tama 'yon. 'Wag mong gawin ang pag-move on para maipakita sa kanya na kaya mo. Kundi, ipakita mo sa sarili mo na kaya mo. Lahat ng susunod mong hakbang para makapag-move on ay para sa iyo. Dahil kung gagawin mo ang mga bagay na 'yan para sa kanya, aanhin naman niya 'yan? Walang silbi kung gagawa ka ng hakbang para sa kanya dahil hindi na iyon mahalaga para sa kanya. At ang mahalaga, handa kang harapin ang taong inihanda sa'yo ni Lord. Dahil kung gagawa ka ng hakbang para sa "Ex" mo, paano kung dumating si Mr. Right? Eh di hindi ka pa handa dahil hindi ang buong puso mo ang naihanda mo. Sayang ang opportunity. Sayang ang miles.

Kaya mga iho at iha, sa pag-ibig, lahat normal. Lahat pinagdadaanan. Kapag hindi ka nasaktan, nagalit, umasa, nabigo at natuto, isa kang ALIEN. Dahil ang mga alien ay pananakop lang ang nasa isip (gaya ni Boris the Animal). Pero, hindi por que pork ang ulam nyo, este hindi dahil normal lang na dumaan sa stages one, two and three, eh hanggang dun ka na lang. Para saan pa at may stage four? Ano 'yon? Imbento lang? Dapat may hakbang kang gagawin na hindi para sa "ex" mo o para sa kung sino mang Poncio Pilato, kundi para sa sarili mo. Para sa paghahanda ng sarili mo sa taong itinakda para sa iyo. PARA SA IYO. Kuha mo?

Doorbell.

Ding. Dong. Not the Dantes nor the Avanzado. It is how a doorbell sounds when you ring it. Ding. Dong. Then someone comes out and opens the door for you. The next question is: will she let you in?

Ding. Dong. Someone knocks on her door. She has closed her door for a long time. She can see through the windows, but it's locked as well. No one can come in. Only one person has the key to her door. If someone tries to climb at her window, she'd open up to only one person.

Ding. Dong. He's not Dantes. The other one's not Avanzado. And they are not limited to only Dantes and Avanzado. Still, as of now the heart's waiting for that particular person who's finger was destined to touch and ring the bell. And the bell wouldn't just sound as Ding Dong. It would create a beautiful melody that only the heart can recognize; that when heard, the door and even the window will instantly open. It will illuminate all the things inside her sanctuary full of broken glass and shattered memories. As if it hadn't been visited for a long time. Well, it really hasn't. No one dared, anyway. Oh no, her friends always tell her she never let anyone, anyway. True. But that is because the last person who was able to get inside took away the key and never left a spare.

What had happened after that left her alone. Empty. Deft. She wasn't able to hear any bells anymore. However, she forgot that what he took was the key. Not her heart. Not her ears nor even the doorknob that she can use to open the door from inside out. Has she forgotten that she is the only one who can open that door to anyone who rings the bell? As she did when he rang the bell, went inside and took away the key? Probably, the sadness and the loneliness caused her to forget that she has full control of her sanctuary and that she can always open the door whenever she's ready. She CHOSE not to listen to anyone who rings the bell. Or climbs to her window. Or shouts her name. She chose not to touch that doorknob, let alone look at it. As if she doesn't have any intention of touching it.

But now she knows better. As the time pass by she realize the things she forgot. Or chose to forget. Slowly she comes near the doorknob, listening to those who tries their fingers on the doorbell; to those who shouts her name; to those who dare to climb her wall to her window. She peeks through her window to see who was waiting for her outside. She knows better now. She knows that someday, she will have the strength to touch that doorknob, twist it and swing the door open to the right person. The one who will own her heart. Forever.

My thoughts..

For the past months or even years, I've learned how to observe people: their actions, their words and comments, their questions about me.. Most of the time, I take note of those questions and then, at nightfall, I begin to ponder on these questions..

Why would such questions cross my mind? I wonder, why on earth am I thinking about these questions? Why do I bother to give answers anyway? What is it to me if these people that I know asks me questions that should be of no importance to me? Why do I care so much about these questions that I take them to sleep every night? Let alone not being able to sleep at all...

I believe it is because these questions remind me of memories that I should have forgotten by now but not quite able to do so..

Our mind contains memories. Vivid memories that we live with every single day. Memories that some we want to keep, and some, we're trying so hard to forget. These memories, which were brought back by the questions being asked to us, also brings us the emotions that we so reluctantly acknowledge because we keep on dictating ourselves that we should not recognize it and yet our hearts voluntarily do so. In which case, we keep on falling for the same person, the same situation all over again. We keep on trying to avoid it without noticing that we also hurt ourselves in the process. And yet, every single time we think of those happy memories shared by two hearts, we bring to ourselves the hope that maybe one day, all will be back again. And yet again, recognizing the fact that it will not happen anymore. And yet again, not believing on this fact and instead, believing that no matter how much we try to forget and fight back those emotions we feel, it just keeps on coming back.

Helpless as it may seem, these things normally happen to people who have the characteristics of loving a person all their lives. As love stories tell, these people does exist. And their existence makes love as vague as ever..

So what happens to these questions? Nothing. It just makes love and life more confusing that it looks like it doesn't matter anymore. Not that life doesn't matter anymore. But love, or a new love at that, already becomes irrelevant to one's existence. As if that person you've loved will be the only one in your heart all your life. And the rest are just plainly unimportant..

"There are things in life that will never be gone.. will never change.. and will remain in my heart forever..."

A VERY UNFORGETTABLE WEEKEND!! :))

My weekend was a blast!

I attended two very special occasions wherein both events celebrated life. One was the Christening of Mathew Ethan Macapagal and the other one was the much-awaited Norly-Charisse Villar Wedding.

Saturday, February 4, 10:00am, at the Don Bosco Parish - Tondo:

Me, Tito Arnel, MJ and Sam came from Biñan to attend the Christening of Mathew Ethan or Thirdy (as what everybody calls him). We were gathered to the church to witness as Thirdy was baptized by Fr. Ben. The parents of Thirdy, Kuya Aaron and Ate Hera, lead the group which includes their parents, the Godparents (including me and my twin sister), family, relatives and friends. It was a memorable experience for me. Not because it was my first time to become a "Ninang" (one of my classmates chose me to become the ninang of her son, too), but because it was the first time that a close family relative chose me as the Godmother of their son. My family has a special place in my heart. And so, it made me feel special whenever they choose me to be a part of important events in their lives.

After the ceremony, we went to Emerald at Roxas Boulevard. That is also where Kuya Aaron and Ate Hera had their reception for their wedding. Many people had come and joined in the celebration. There's a photobooth located at the left side of the reception hall and they served a big variety of dishes! Of course that's one of our favorite part of the party. Hahahha :) It was the same menu that they had in their wedding reception. Delicioso! :)

Most of our relatives were there: Of course, the Macapagal Family headed by Tito Jun, Tito Arnel, Me, Gagay, MJ, Sam, Mommy, Tito Ben, Tito Pipoy, Tita Grace, Tita Berna, Tita Amor, Jan, Jay, Anya and Raj. (If I forgot to mention someone, sorry it's my memory gap on the move. Haha!) After the reception, we went to there home at Avida. We rested their, chitchated, the usual stuff whenever we have gatherings. We even had the time to plan and book flights to Guimaras for the summer! :)

That was really an amazing experience for me. And it's just the beginning of my very unforgettable weekend! :)

Sunday, February 5, 2:30pm, St. Pancratius Church, Paco Park:

After coming from Biñan (I went with Tito Arnel and MJ back to Biñan the night before and I traveled back to Manila at around 11am, Sunday morning), I went home to change for another very special occassion that I will attend: The Wedding of Kuya Norly and Ate Charisse! :) I was so excited that I arrived at the church a couple of minutes before the wedding. I saw Kuya Norly waiting for Ate Cha outside the Church. Then, I saw Ate Ruthie (one of the scholar-grads) and so I joined her as we enter the church. While waiting inside, we talked and shared stories. We're even laughing while waiting for the bride! :) Then, the wedding started...

Even before Ate Cha entered the church, Kuya Norly was already crying. He later on explained that the reason why he cried was because he and Ate Cha had a fight hours before the wedding. That's normal for a couple to feel emotional because it'll be their big day. The ceremony was very romantic. They shared vows and promises to each other. Anyone in the church felt their love for each other. It was amazing to witness two hearts joined together by God.

After the ceremony, pictures were taken, message of thanks were given, some guests had to go and they bid their goodbyes to the newly wed. Most of the guests stayed for the reception. Me and a couple of friends chitchated and laughed as we feel the happiness that the newly wed couple has radiated on us. We took a cab to Ramon Magsaysay Building for the reception. There was a photobooth at the left side of the entrance, just outside the reception area. We had our photos taken first before entered the hall. Our table's name was  UTMT (Under The Mango Tree)! :) All the tables' names are the very important and memorable places that the couple went to. I thought it's very cute for the couple to think of table names. :) In fact, there are trivias about the tables' names that the host shared to us.

We had fun at the reception! :) There were games and surprises that the couple prepared for their guests. I really had so much fun that night! :) The food was great, the music suits the event, the people were in high spirits, there was a cocktail party after the program, too! :)

There were two videos shown at the wedding. The first video contains their pre-nuptial photos taken at PNU. It was so cute! I so love the pictures. And everyone can really see how much they love each other. The second video showed the preparation of the wedding and the wedding itself. That was really fast, I know. The team who captured the event are experts in their craft. I never knew they could work on it that fast! :) And the video is so beautiful. Very inspiriing. A heartfelt video that captured special moments of the couples wedding. Amazing! :)

What I love about Kuya Norly and Ate Cha's wedding is that it was very personalized that every single person who joined their celebration can really feel that they were part of the wedding. The tables, the games, the surprises, all of it were made to make the guests feel that they are really a part of the couple's lives. And I felt very happy and honored to be part of their big day! :)

Both events celebrated life: A Christian life that is about to begin, and a Married life bounded by their love and the Love of God.

To Kuya Aaron and Ate Hera; To Kuya Norly and Ate Cha, thank you very much! :)

You made my weekend, and thus these occasions, VERY UNFORGETTABLE! :))

XOXO

Talk no more (Letter #3)

"I'm afraid to know what he'll say.."

This is what I told my friends when we had dinner yesterday. One friend told me, "dapat magusap kayo.." Another one said, "Eh pano nga. Di naman sya nirereplyan. Ayaw sya kausapin." Then came a sudden thought: do I really want to know the truth? Do I really want to hear what he'll say?

Will he even try to talk to me?

I don't know. But if he does, I'm afraid what I'll just hear will cause more pain than ever. I'm afraid he will throw words like stones that will shatter my heart into pieces once again.

For years I've been trying to put the pieces back together. One by one. And yet everytime I hear his name, one piece falls apart. Everytime they make me say his name, more pieces fall. What if he will be the one to say something? What will become of my heart after that?

If you all knew what happened, I'm sure you'll say that I'm the stupidest girl in the world. I am. And maybe, that's what I'll ever be. But I'm trying really, really hard to let go. I had no choice. It's the only way. Only, I've been trying for years now. You can actually say right away what progress I'm making. Or if there's hardly any progress at all.

But I do hope and pray that one day, I'll be able to move on and let go. It might take more years or even forever. I don't know. But I really want to get this over with.

Because he already did.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.1

To you.. (Letter #2)

I hate to say this but I just can't seem to forget you.. Argh! I hope you already did (though it seems you've already forgotten about me) coz it's really painful.. can't imgaine you going through all of this.. ah well, just saying.. kinda need to get it out of my system..

Sorry..

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.1

What am I thinking while you're away? (Letter #1)

Do you want to know what I'm thinking while you're away?

The question Savannah asked John. The same question I've been wanting to ask you. But I can't. Not that I don't want to. But fate conspired against us. And so that question just remained hanging in the air...

What am I thinking while you're away?

There's a lot, actually. Memories that won't just leave. Things that I should have and I shouldn't have done. But one thing's similar with each and every memory that keeps on coming back - YOU.

Remember that first day when you visited your friends at the office where I work? That very special day when we first met? When you approached me and gave me a doughnut and a cup of iced tea? When I didn't quite noticed you except for the fact that you were nice to me that day even if you didn't know me?

Remember when you first asked me out on a date and I said no? Then you were insistent that we go out that I said yes to you but on a different day?

Remember when we had our first date together? You were silent that night. And so was I. Not that I didn't want to talk to you. It's just that I was not used to going out on a date. Especially since it was my first time to go out with someone. I just looked at my lemonade while you tried to talk. It wasn't much of a conversation but the feeling was there.

Remember when I had my first Christmas with you? At the office where I first met you? You gave me a chocolate-coated apple and a lot of chocolates? You walked me to the mall to wait for a taxi. You said the magic word that night. I will never forget that.

Remember that day when you visited me at the office? It was just an ordinary day for other people at the place but it was very special for me. You gave me my favorite chocolate - Toblerone. You wrote the magic word in the wrappings. Even if I was busy checking papers, you just sit there and watched me work. I felt your presence then.

YOU WERE THERE. FOR ME.

But I wasn't able to see that when I said goodbye. Not until months after I said it.

And I can't and don't eat chocolates anymore, by the way.

Remember when we had our dinner at Chowking? You walked me to the place where I would ride the jeep going home. You touched the vines in a tree from a school we were passing by, as if you wanted to say or do something but couldn't make yourself to say or do it. Yeah, I noticed that one. I was watching you. Then we reached the street and just said goodbye. What if I told you what I was feeling then? What if I did what I told you then that I should have done before we said goodbye? Will everything change too?

Remember when you said I should look at that one star and in return, you would look at it too and we'll be looking at the same star? That it would somehow make us feel that we're together? I've been looking at that star for years now.

I remember these things. I always do. These things that I missed out when I was trying to decide whether to say goodbye or not. I wasn't able to see it then. And while you're away, I always think of them. Somehow, it makes me feel that you're still here. With me. Even if I shouldn't be doing it, I can't help it. You made me feel special. Secured. Loved. And somehow these memories makes me feel those things that no one has able to make feel it again. The only connection I have with you. Those memories. That star.

Now, I have a question for you.

What are you thinking while I'm away?

At the Coffee Shop...

Sitting at the Coffee Shop. I see people. Probably students from private schools or from the establishments nearby. Or just some bystanders from somewhere else. But one thing is common in these people I see: Richness. You'll definitely be able to identify.. Oh, let me rephrase it. You can definitely identify these people as rich because of how they dress, how they talk, (when you try to eavesdrop, although eavesdropping is hardly necessary since they tend to talk loudly) or the way they look at you as if you're no better than them. And of course, the people here at the Coffee Shop (most of them, if not all, have their own laptops and using the shop's wi-fi).


Really, you'll never go wrong with these people especially if you came from the type of social status where I came from. What I'm trying to say is, if you try to stay in a coffee shop such as This and try to observe the people around you, you'll see what life shows you: that it is unfair. But is it? Is it really unfair?


When you first entered college, what is your first experience? Now, let me give you a scenario (because I'm sure, unless you write your own story, a simple and short statement will not be enough). You can try to put yourself in these two scenarios.


For example, you came from a rich family and you have all the means of entering and studying in a private school (say, La Salle or Ateneo) and buy everything you want (EVERYTHING!); or, what if fate has deprived you of wealth and you can hardly pay for your tuition fee. What do you think your experiences will be?

Probably, if you're the First Person, you'll be like the people I now see here at the Coffee Shop. If you're a rich kid, I'm quite sure you'll be speaking in English or in ST (Sossy Taglish). And of course, you'll also have your own laptop and expensive gadgets. You might even have a Blackberry or an iPhone4 or an iPad2. For sure you can pay your tuition fee on the exact date of enrollment or even in advance. You have a lot of money to go to a coffee shop like This or go to the mall and buy all the things you want to buy. (Am I exaggerating already? I guess not. Some can really be like the First Person anyway.)


So what if you're not like the First Person? What if you're the poor one? Probably you have to work to earn money for your tuition fee or probably you'll have to skip school and work to earn a living (Oooppss! I forgot. You're suppose to be a college student who is not rich. So let's stick to that.) So, you go to a State University with minimal tuition fee and yet you can barely pay for it. You still have to write promissory notes just so you can take your examinations. You don't have a Blackberry or an iPhone4 or an iPad2. You don't even have your own cellphone. You don't have your own laptop (probably not even a desktop) and you still have to go to computer shops for your school work. You speak Tagalog and you don't know how to speak in ST. Have you ever tried to go to a coffee shop like This? I guess not. Even if you want to, you'll probably think of saving your money than wasting it for pleasure.


So what's my point? Well, my point is, there are (according to our society), two types of social status: Rich and Poor. Yeah, they say there's still a Middle Class. But it's not what the society imposes. And that's not what I believe in.


I'm here at the same Coffee Shop where the Rich Kids go. But at the same time, I am writing this in a used notebook, using my over-used pen just like someone who can barely buy a new notebook and pen for herself. I do have a Blackberry but I don't have my own laptop. I don't have all the gadgets rich kids have. I can now pay for an expensive coffee but when I was a college student, I can barely buy my lunch. I have to work and study at the same time to finish my degree and help my family. And now that I was able to graduate from college, I have a job that can buy me clothes and foods I want. Sometimes just for pleasure.


You see, probably you started as poor or someone who has nothing but crumbs on her plate. (Oh, I'm exaggerating again. But it's true!) But you still have a choice of not following the status the society's imposing on you. You have the choice of not staying on That status. Basically, it starts with a CHOICE. So whether your life stays down or you pull yourself up, it's your choice. Whether you want to just be able to pass through the day or have some extra for some pleasure, it's your choice. Whether you will try and work as hard as you can for your own success or will settle for anything less, it's your choice. Everything is your choice. You decide for your future. So decide well.


Maybe next time you know, you'll probably be seating in the chair where I am seating right now, buying your own expensive coffee and have your own laptop, writing your own story.

Ciao! :)

Experience with Frencheska Farr

June 20, 2010


Going to GMA.


Sunday at around 2 in the morning, I woke up with a fresh start. I knew I had to go to a very important place to meet a very important person in my life. I stood up, took my things downstairs (including the two books as my gifts), ate my breakfast and took a bath (of course!:p). Then I prepared myself for this special day like I'm preparing for my finals or board exam. I was so excited that I took a taxi going to GMA Network! It was raining cats and dogs! When I looked at my watch after I reached GMA, it's only 4 in the morning!:)

But that's really what I want to happen. To be there as early as I can. And indeed, my being early paid off!

I talked to the guards assigned there. Maybe they pitied me because it's raining so hard and I'm already waiting for that very important person that I want to meet. To my surprise, they allowed me to stay at the gate where the artists come in!:)
While I was at the gate, I was praying so hard to God that He may allow me to meet her even for at least a few minutes. I waited for her expecting that she would also pass that same gate. But someone informed me that she was already rehearsing inside. "Hmm.." I thought. "Then she must've went in using other entrance. That's ok for me. At least I know that she's already safe inside the studio.." Then, the time went by. I'm so excited to see her. Until someone helped me to get inside and finally meet her!


Frencheska Farr.

First picture with Frencheska Farr

She's the very first artist I saw in the dressing room where the lady led me. Wearing red jacket, miniskirt and black legins, she was preparing for the show, Party Pilipinas. Then, the lady who helped me (I forgot to ask for her name), talked to Cheska's mom, Ms. Melody Farr.

She introduced me to Ms. Melody. And I was surprised that she immediately accommodated me and talked to me. Parang kaibigan ang turing nya. She's very nice to me. Then, she introduced me to Cheska. But she's busy preparing for Party P. I understood that. She's an artist. Everything must be done in a quick but perfect manner. She finished preparing. But Ms. Melody never left me. She took my right hand and led me to the studio. And there, she told me to find a place for me to sit and watch the whole show. How sweet it is for Tita to do that! (I called her tita when I finally got the chance to talk to her and Cheska.:))




The Show.

I was able to watch the whole show, live! And it was a very fun and enjoyable experience! And Cheska's just a pro in singing. Wala akong masabi! She's a very good singer. And everytime she will come out of the stage, I will shout, "Go Frencheska!" The first time I shouted that, everyone looked at me because I didn't knew that that bench was for Richard G.'s fans. Haha!:)


The sweetest and nicest young lady I've ever met.

Her First Message for Me :D

I really enjoyed the show. And then, after the show, I went back to her dressing room. She was there preparing for another show that she must attend to. But after she's done, I was very surprised and starstrucked by what she did! She said hi and instead of just talking to me for a while, she invited me to sit and talk with her! OMG! I never thought I would get that closer to meeting her! All I prayed for is for at least a minute of seeing her but viola! I talked with her for at least 10 full minutes! OMG!:)



Frencheska is a very nice girl. Very, very nice. I never thought an artist can be that nice and accommodating. I was still starstrucked but then I told myself, "introduce yourself, introduce yourself!" And so, I introduced myself (although she seemed to remember the conversation I had with Tita and she remembered my name.:)). I gave her my gift (which includes two books) and she said, "wow! mahilig ako sa books. Mahilig talaga akong magbasa." And my heart was delighted to know that she appreciated my gift!
She talked to me and treated me like I'm a friend. I never felt awkward when we talked. What I only felt was happiness and gratitude for her "kabaitan". She's very kind and sweet young lady. We talked about the books I gave her and then we talked about some other things like the Emir movie. Then I asked for her autograph. And she wrote in my diary, indeed! I didn't told her it was my diary (probably when she read this, she will know.:)). That diary was one of the very important things in my life. And it is very important that she write her message for me there. I was surprised, again, when she wrote a quite long message. I thought, like the other artists, she will just write, "Godbless and take care!" with her signature. But she sincerely wrote her message for me in my own diary! OMG again! It was so overwhelming that I wasn't able to talk for a few seconds. Speechless!:)

Then, Cheska, Tita and I went to the basement parking because Cheska still has a show to attend to. Actually, I thought if I go with them down to the basement, I will know where is the exit. Para lang maihatid ko sila sa car nila. But when we reached the basement, I didn't know where to go. Haha!:) And I was, again and again, surprised by Cheska! She actually thought I would go with them! At least only up to the exit of the basement parking. But that was really amazing! Being able to ride in Cheska's car! Wow! And I was really amazed by her kindness!:)


The Experience.

Frencheska Farr is a very, very nice, kind and beautiful young lady. How she stands, how she talks, how she walks, how she laughs, she do it with poise and beauty. But despite of such characteristics, she never showed negative attitude. Instead, she only showed to me that she is indeed BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT!:)

A very kind and sweet young lady

My experience with Cheska made me feel that I am an important person. That someone finally noticed my existence. Like what I told her, I was never given the chance to prove that I AM SOMEONE. But when I met Cheska, the next big star and the star of Emir, she made me feel that finally, I AM SOMEONE.

To Tita Melody and Cheska, thank you very much for everything! I will never, ever forget this day! And I hope, someday, I'll also be able to sing and dance my heart out for the two of you.:)

I'll always include you guys in my prayers. Thank you very much, always take care and Godbless!:)